My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Holy moly
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.