If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
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Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.