I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
congratulations to them
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.