Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.