‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
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Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler