Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
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Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
From Facebook just now…
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Sending in my taxes
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler