“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.