I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
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5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?