When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
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is this how new cars are made??
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Only a mother’s love …
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
PLOT TWIST:
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe