Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I think I’m having a stroke
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps