little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
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My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.