Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
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Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
This is enough internet for the day.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
worst…sale…ever
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?