Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
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heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
what does he know…
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”