To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
nyc:
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5