I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
You Might Also Like
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
mechanics be like