ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.