If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
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Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Canada has crack?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it