Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*