Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
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So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
i love meeting boys on tinder
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it