Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision