I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
eggs benadryl
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed