My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…