Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My dating profile:
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes