Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s