I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.