I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
#DesignFail
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.