Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.