if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery