ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio