Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
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love pickles so much i put myself in one
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.