They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Oh thanks BBC.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears