I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.