caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I feel like one of these would kill a European
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.