My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
subtitles are so good nowadays
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.