Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
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They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Tough love is true love
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.