*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
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Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl