My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go