“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
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Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.