gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.