*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
You Might Also Like
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Omg 🤣
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.