a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
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As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.