Barbie gone wild
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Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.