I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”