I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Peter Parker Peter Driver
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Feel. He’s so soft.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The internet is magic sometimes.