Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
You Might Also Like
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Yep.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.