Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
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If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*