Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
You Might Also Like
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late