“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Breaking news:
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.