thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME