“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
#DesignFail
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.